YOUR STARS FOR THE WEEK!

Capricorn - Ham could hold the answer. A tall man in a green fedora walks past you three times. This has no bearing on anything however. Watch out for kippers, nose hair and plus-sized shoe models.

Aquarius - An argument about the price of cheese leads to a long-term friendship with a sociology student. The cake may be a lie, but bacon is always true to you. Beware the Jabberwock, he wants to sell you double glazing.

Aries - You might find yourself relying on a friend whose motives you will later question. Why did he ask you if you had green bin bags and a hacksaw? Help will come from afar. Expect blue flashing lights.

Pisces - Donkeys are particularly lucky for you this week, as you find you have a strange affinity for Persil. Many a mickle makes mickle sauce, which goes well with fish.

Taurus - Look before you count your lucky teabags. Sometimes an orange is just an orange. Other times it's a metaphor for lesbianism. And that thing you do with your hands? Very bad.

Gemini - The Devil makes work for idle layabouts. Spicy chicken wings can be your ally. The number 62 will have a profound significance for you later in the week. Or maybe not.

Cancer - He's got to be caught, he's got to be taught. Because he is more evil than anyone here ever thought. Except Brian, who always has quite a good nose for these sort of things.

Leo - A YouTube interview with William Shatner will leave you red-faced after you can't stop talking like him. Avoid dried parmesan and brussels sprouts. No reason, they're just vile.

Virgo - Bungee jumping in loose clothing may not be the best way to spend your weekend. Try flicking bogies at passersby instead. Cherry coke and UHT milk does not a milkshake make. At least not a very nice one.

Libra - Severe indigestion makes you relish the prospect of refrigerated toilet paper. Put a couple of rolls in the fridge now, just to be on the safe side. All is not what it seems in Peckham.

Scorpio - There are more than fifty shades of grey, according to the Dulux colour chart. Bear this in mind when selecting S&M gear on Wednesday. A stranger with conjunctivitis makes you laugh at the weekend.

Sagittarius - A casual misunderstanding over the intentions of a well-wisher leaves you floundering. It turns out they wish you'd fallen down a well. Don't take it to heart, it's just business.

 

*Please note - these horoscopes may not be entirely accurate, and in fact may be entirely made up.