Biscuit The Dreamcatcher

Once I had a cat.
His name was Biscuit.
He was big and black and had a wonky tail that was shaped like a question mark.
He would sit at the foot of my bed as I slept, and catch the bad dreams and gobble them up.
Sometimes he let a bad dream get through, he didn't mean to.
When I woke up from a bad dream, he'd come up to me and rub his head against my face as if to say “I'm sorry. I missed that one. I'll try harder next time.”
But it didn't matter.
He used to eat lots and lots.
That's because catching bad dreams is a hard job.
He needed the energy.
One day he went from us.
He was hit by a car.
Mum said that he's in heaven now.
But I know that's not true.
He's still at the foot of my bed.
And he's even better at catching bad dreams than before.

Tyburn's Christmas Survival Guide.

Yes, it’s that time of year again, when we celebrate the birth of someone some of us aren’t actually sure existed and almost certainly wasn’t really born at this time of year.
Christmas, Noel, Xmas, a chuffing great pain in the arse, it goes by many names.
But if you’re having trouble coping with those pesky little annoyances that crop up during the Festive season, here’s a little guide to help you make the most of the Holidays.
1 ) Carol Singers.
You will need: 1 homburg, trilby or porkpie-type hat, 2 clip-on curly hair extensions. Simply clip the extensions to the side of your head, just above the temples, put on the hat and answer the door with a big, cheery “Oi vey! What do you want?”
2 ) Decorations.
This is easy. Just murder someone in your house and the police will come round and put up festive garlands for you for free. Admittedly they will be yellow and say the words ‘Crime Scene – Do Not Cross’ instead of ‘Happy Christmas’, but you can’t have everything.
3 ) Christmas Cards.
Just buy one card, make it out ‘to whom it may concern, happy Christmas’ and show it to people as and when needed.
4 ) Shopping.
This requires an accomplice. Take a handkerchief, splatter liberally with red food colouring, add a few dots of green and yellow. When dry, keep it in your pocket. Whilst shopping, if you find yourself a little crowded take out the handkerchief and start coughing into it loudly (the louder and more obnoxious, the better). This should be your accomplice’s cue to start saying things like “You know the Doctor said you really shouldn’t be out in your condition. He said you were still contagious”. Before you can say ‘Retail Therapy’, the crowds should part before your eyes.
5 ) What to watch on TV.
This is easy as pie. Just kick the TV in. Easy as boot-shaped pie.
6 ) Presents.
Wrap up packets of batteries with a label ‘toy not included’.
7 )Christmas Cocktails.
Run out of those odd little drinks that people make various cocktails from? Got an overabundance of the regular stuff (Vodka, more vodka)? Then try these easy little recipes to make your own ersatz cocktail drinks.
Vodka + Custard = Advocaat.
Vodka + Mouthwash = Creme de menthe.
Vodka + Ribena = Creme de cassis.
By this time, you may be running out of vodka. Paint stripper is an acceptable substitute.
8 ) Christmas Dinner.
Here’s where a little forward-planning comes into play. Just wipe down a few plates with gravy and stack them in the sink. Keep the drink flowing until everybody (and I do mean everybody) is so totally out of it that when you stand up and say “I’d better do that washing-up then”, they’ll all think they’ve already had their dinner.
9 ) The post-Christmas Hangover.
Stay drunk. It’s easier that way.
10 ) All those annoying Christmas songs on the radio.
Now this one’s a bit complicated. You will need the address of your local radio station, an old car (preferably one you don’t mind seeing blown to smithereens), several large bags of fertiliser, a mobile phone attached to a detonat… erm… perhaps this isn’t such a good idea. Just buy yourself an iPod or something and wear some headphones instead.

The Speed of... what?

 When I was six, my father told me nothing could go faster than light, that light was the fastest thing in the universe. Being only a child, I believed him. But it became my mission to try to break that barrier, to make something that could go faster than light. So at school, I excelled at sciences, went through college, university, and got a job with a physics laboratory. There I studied harder and harder, and after ten years of long, hard work, I finally unveiled the world’s first Faster Than Light engine. For that, I won my first Nobel Prize.

A few years later, I heard a rumour that the only thing faster than light was dark. Because no matter how fast light was, the dark would always be there waiting for it. And so, being still an impressionable and somewhat driven man, I dedicated my every waking moment to uncovering the secrets of travel at speeds Faster Than Darkness. And so, after thirty-five years, three failed marriages, six nervous breakdowns, and two entirely bankrupted universities, this time last year I unveiled the prototype of the world’s very first Faster Than Darkness engine. It had taken a quarter of a billion dollars in adjusted US currency to complete, and was my very life and soul. For that, I won my right to retirement, and a good night’s rest.

The other day, I heard a rumour. It turns out the only thing faster than dark is rumour…