Devices for defence of the self from Burkenhare incorporated.

In these increasingly-troubled times, it’s reassuring to know that there is a company out there that has your best interests at heart – for a price of course.
THE HOUSING BOOM:
Your plasmatronic defence shields failed, the space pirates holed both your engines and you were lucky enough to send a distress call and get to the escape pods before the warp core breached (if you don’t know what that last bit means, it’s not good). Unfortunately, you are now stranded on a hostile ice planet with no shelter, and the evening’s drawing in.
That’s when you need Clarence Burkenhare’s Patented Housing Boom. Simply take the four-inch spheroid in your hand, give it a good shake, pull the pin and throw and in a split second you’ll have a comfortable and surprisingly roomy shelter big enough for up to four persons of average height, weight and diet.
The patent-pending Buckymax(tm) buckminsterfullerene and long-short-overchain polymers are lightweight, but sturdy enough to tolerate any* atmospheric conditions, and the natural design of the quick-drying foam means it can withstand up to a force 12 gale. The expanding doorway-tube automatically cuts off at three feet, creating a natural entry/exit from your new shelter, and once erected it can last a lifetime** if needs be.

* Within reason.

** Considering anyone in such a situation would in all probablity have neglected to bring food or water with them, lifetime is construed as two to six weeks, maybe longer depending on circumstances.

CHRONOMITE:
Ever wanted to blow something (or someone) back to the stone age? Well, with Clarence Burkenhare’s Patented Chronomite(tm) temporal disaffection explosives you can! Just place your charge, light the fuse and BOOM! the chroniton-heavy particulate detonation will hurl any given body backwards (or forwards, if you use Clarence Burkenhare’s Patented Blue Chronomite) through time. Full instructions are supplied with each shipment, including how much Chronomite is needed to disassociate any given body through any given amount of time. As an example, one half-stick of Red Chronomite, correctly applied and detonated can project an object the size of the average family car eighteen months into the past. Better act fast, as an unfortunate incident at the processing plant has rendered the entire Isle of Wight suspended sometime around last Tuesday, so stocks are limited.
Clarence Burkenhare Defence Systems Incorporated – If it kills you twice as fast, it’s probably a Burkenhare.

DOOM GRENADES OF DOOM!:
Is there a pesky planet obscuring your lovely view of the Horsehead Nebula? Neighbours getting noisy? Just don't like people? Then this is the product for you! Utilising Clarence Burkenhare's patented molecular energy bond dissipation system, the Doom Grenade Of Doom collapses the energy bonds between atoms, causing a catastrophic chain-implosion that can turn entire planets into miniature black holes in a matter of minutes. Just press the button, place on any solid surface and retreat to a safe distance (preferably an orbit of approximately 3500 miles or greater) and watch the planet itself crumble, fold and simply disappear, leaving nothing more than a rock the size of a small warehouse (we were going for the size of a cricket ball, but physics got in the way).

NARRATIVE VEST:
Do you have an annoying tendency to get fatally shot? Would you like to avoid being gratuitously killed at inopportune moments? Do you have occasional moments of gut-wrenching existentialism? Then you should buy the Narrative Vest! Simply don this stylish double-breasted (single-breasted available by special request) garment and you will become the chief protagonist in the story of your own life, with the added bonus that you cannot be killed. The patented automatic narration system ensures that your every move is documented by our reknowned Narrat-O-Tron, while the perpetual cascade of Narrativite particles ensures your continued survival.
Warning - while you can not be killed, you can still be injured, although there is always a good chance of a decent recovery, given time and a sympathetic audience. Narrat-O-Tron voices vary according to region, budget and other factors currently out of our control.

THE RANDOMISER 3000:
 You're down to just three men and your last two energy cells, and that rampagnig mob of enraged locals keeps getting closer and closer. This sounds like a job for the Randomiser 3000! A single shot from this ergonomically-designed psycho-magnetic electro-pulse crowd control device will have them all wondering why knees bend in one direction, or what the price of fish has to do with anything, or any one of countless random topics of intense thoughtful debate. It's hard to rampage when the question of 'how can you tell when you've overcooked black pudding?' is running through your conscious mind. With a study rechargable power cell capable of a thousand shots, the Randomiser 3000 is the perfect device for utterly non-lethal crowd control, that is assuming the debate over why sour cream has a sell-by date doesn't get too out of hand!

(This message presented on behalf of Clarence Burkenhare Defence Systems Incorporated. All rights reserved. Clarence Burkenhare Defence Systems Incorporated cannot be held responsible for any loss of life, limb, mobility, sanity, property, planet or solar system due to misuse (or correct use) of any products. Always read the instructions before use.)

Tyburn-English

Sometimes I speak my own language. Not literally as in every word, but I tend to use a lot of personal shorthand. I shall hereby attempt to bring you the basics of, as I call it – the Tyburn language.

To BAF – Blue-Arsed Fly – i.e. run about GSD PDQ.
To GSD – Get Shit Done, Getting Shit Done, Got Shit Done.
Squirrels! (Or Squirrel Pants) – Usually a single-word exclamation, denoting that unpleasant experience (in men, no female equivalent has been determined yet - feel free to add your own suggestions) where one’s underwear is attempting to devour one’s nuts (or stuff them in the nearest convenient hole)
Sweeny! – Upon entering a coffee shop with my wife, a quick cry of “Sweeny!” means “I’ll get the coffees, you go and find the comfy chairs”. From an old Sean Hughes routine about fighting over the comfy chair in which to watch The Sweeny.
(Quick note – do not, under any circumstances say the phrase “There’s no ‘I’ in ‘Team’ to me, unless you’re prepared for and willing to accept the response “Maybe, but there’s a ‘U’ in ‘C*nt’)
(Additional note – probably not a good idea to say “At the end of the day…” to me either, unless you’re okay with me saying “…the sun goes down” under my breath.)
(Additional Additional Note - "On the other hand..." usually ends in "Your fingers face the other way.")
Aren’t Fluffy Bunnies Cute? – This actually means ‘Your arguments, which I am not a part of but am caught in the middle of is getting a little too heated for my tastes – I’d really like you to change the subject.
I Hear The Himalayas Are Tall This Time Of Year - Same as above, originally a line by Vila in Blake's 7. 
(Not sure how to spell it, but it’s pronounced as a quite lazy-sounding ‘fu’m', with a glottal stop in the middle.) – Never mind, on with the next bit.
Mission, Mission Up, to get Missioned or Missioned Up – To set about doing a particular task with great gusto and intensity. It’s not just wanting to GSD, it’s having to do it at the expense of everything else.
Dot, dot, dot. – Used when I can't be bothered to finish the sentence but you know where I'm going with it.
‘Simons’ – my own little bit of Cockney rhyming slang (I’m half-Cockney) – Simon Cowell = Bowel. A case of the ‘narky Simons’ refers to Irritable Bowel Syndrome.