Capricorn - Ham could hold the answer. A tall man in a green fedora
walks past you three times. This has no bearing on anything however.
Watch out for kippers, nose hair and plus-sized shoe models.
Aquarius - An argument about the price of cheese leads to a long-term
friendship with a sociology student. The cake may be a lie, but bacon is
always true to you. Beware the Jabberwock, he wants to sell you double
glazing.
Aries - You might
find yourself relying on a friend whose motives you will later question.
Why did he ask you if you had green bin bags and a hacksaw? Help will
come from afar. Expect blue flashing lights.
Pisces - Donkeys
are particularly lucky for you this week, as you find you have a strange
affinity for Persil. Many a mickle makes mickle sauce, which goes well
with fish.
Taurus - Look before you count your lucky teabags.
Sometimes an orange is just an orange. Other times it's a metaphor for
lesbianism. And that thing you do with your hands? Very bad.
Gemini - The Devil makes work for idle layabouts. Spicy chicken wings
can be your ally. The number 62 will have a profound significance for
you later in the week. Or maybe not.
Cancer - He's got to be
caught, he's got to be taught. Because he is more evil than anyone here
ever thought. Except Brian, who always has quite a good nose for these
sort of things.
Leo - A YouTube interview with William Shatner
will leave you red-faced after you can't stop talking like him. Avoid
dried parmesan and brussels sprouts. No reason, they're just vile.
Virgo - Bungee jumping in loose clothing may not be the best way to
spend your weekend. Try flicking bogies at passersby instead. Cherry
coke and UHT milk does not a milkshake make. At least not a very nice
one.
Libra - Severe indigestion makes you relish the prospect
of refrigerated toilet paper. Put a couple of rolls in the fridge now,
just to be on the safe side. All is not what it seems in Peckham.
Scorpio - There are more than fifty shades of grey, according to the
Dulux colour chart. Bear this in mind when selecting S&M gear on
Wednesday. A stranger with conjunctivitis makes you laugh at the
weekend.
Sagittarius - A casual misunderstanding over the
intentions of a well-wisher leaves you floundering. It turns out they
wish you'd fallen down a well. Don't take it to heart, it's just
business.
*Please note - these horoscopes may not be entirely accurate, and in fact may be entirely made up.
