Madam Goodwitch loved two things - knitting and making magic. The only problem was that she was a little bit short-sighted, and had a bad memory. One day, she realised how lonely she had been feeling of late, so decided to do something about it. She would knit herself a little toy kitten. She sat in her big chair by the fire, picked up her knitting needles, and started knitting.
She reasoned she would start with the tail, as it was the longest and easiest part. As she knitted, from a fine black fluffy yarn, she started to sing.
"Oh Gizzly-Goo, Gizzly-Gee, make a little friend for me.
Oh Gizzly-Gee, Gizzly-Goo, make me a friend and I will love you."
The thing is, she had forgot that the last week she had broken her knitting needles when she sat on them, and the only thing she had left that was anything like a knitting needle were the two magic wands her father, who was a powerful magician had left her in his will.
She knitted and knitted, and soon enough, she had finished. In her sewing box were two beautiful green glass buttons, so she stitched them onto her toy kitten as eyes, and set her work down on the table to admire it.
As she stood back, she smiled at her work. "Gizzly-Gee." Remembering her song, she stroked the little toy kitten's head. "I shall call you Gizzly-Gee."
"Mreow?" The toy called Gizzly-Gee chirped back.
Madam Goodwitch was stunned. She reached out to touch Gizzly-Gee's fur. Gizzly-Gee, in return nudged her hand with its little head, purring. After a few moments, realisation set in. Madam Goodwitch picked up her little toy kitten and cuddled it with joy. "Oh my soul! My little kitten-toy is real! I love you little Gizzly-Gee!"
From that day on, Madam Goodwitch was never alone, her little Gizzly-Gee always sitting by her feet, playing with her yarn as she knitted, and sitting purring on her lap as she sat in her big chair of an evening.
Sunday 8 December 2013
Saturday 7 December 2013
Koshkin.
Koshkin was very tired.
"I'm so tired," she said as she climbed up to her favourite spot on the back of the sofa, next to the wall, "I could sleep for a bajillion years."
So she curled up into a little furry ball and did just that.
Aeons passed, civilisations came and went, stars and galaxies were born and died, and still she slept.
Finally she awoke to complete darkness.
Now, cats can see quite well in the dark, but this was a darkness so complete, so total, that even her green eyes could not penetrate it.
"Oh," said Koshkin. "This isn't very good."
She cleared her throat.
"Let there be light."
"Please?"
"I'm so tired," she said as she climbed up to her favourite spot on the back of the sofa, next to the wall, "I could sleep for a bajillion years."
So she curled up into a little furry ball and did just that.
Aeons passed, civilisations came and went, stars and galaxies were born and died, and still she slept.
Finally she awoke to complete darkness.
Now, cats can see quite well in the dark, but this was a darkness so complete, so total, that even her green eyes could not penetrate it.
"Oh," said Koshkin. "This isn't very good."
She cleared her throat.
"Let there be light."
"Please?"
Sunday 1 December 2013
Friday 29 November 2013
Mizzlemog
Once upon a time, Mizzlemog yawned a yawn that was so big and so wide that she swallowed herself whole, and was never seen again.
- The End.
- The End.
Saturday 16 November 2013
Shae-Shae and the Rude Shadow.
Shae-Shae was a big cat, and she cast a big shadow.
Unlike most shadows, Shae-Shae's shadow was exceptionally rude.
It would follow her around, sticking it's insubstantial black tongue out at her and shouting very rude things at her.
"Look out! Here comes Shae-Shae with her big bum!" The shadow would shout.
Shae-Shae found it very annoying.
One day, Shae-Shae was out walking. She walked along the street and along the lane, and down the alley where she always goes on her way home. But this day, there was a big dog chained up near the bottom of the alley, and it barked and snarled at her, scaring her quite badly.
Shae-Shae ran, her heart pounding, her shadow keeping up with her easily. She ran toward the fence, which had a hole in it. Diving through the hole, she got half-way through and then got stuck.
Shae-Shae's shadow stopped in front of her and started laughing. "Look at Shae-Shae!" It cried out. "She's got her big bum stuck in the fence! Ha ha ha! Big bum Shae-Shae's got stuck!"
Shae-Shae, at first panicked and scared, was now growing angrier by the second. She wriggled and struggled, and struggled and wriggled until with a loud crack! the fence broke and she leapt forward, catching her shadow with her claws.
What happened next was not pleasant. Shae-Shae devoured her shadow from the top of its head to the tip of its tail, angrily munching and crunching every last bite. As she swallowed the last bit of her shadow, she licked her lips smugly.
From that day on, Shae-Shae never cast a shadow, and she never worried about the size of her bottom either.
Unlike most shadows, Shae-Shae's shadow was exceptionally rude.
It would follow her around, sticking it's insubstantial black tongue out at her and shouting very rude things at her.
"Look out! Here comes Shae-Shae with her big bum!" The shadow would shout.
Shae-Shae found it very annoying.
One day, Shae-Shae was out walking. She walked along the street and along the lane, and down the alley where she always goes on her way home. But this day, there was a big dog chained up near the bottom of the alley, and it barked and snarled at her, scaring her quite badly.
Shae-Shae ran, her heart pounding, her shadow keeping up with her easily. She ran toward the fence, which had a hole in it. Diving through the hole, she got half-way through and then got stuck.
Shae-Shae's shadow stopped in front of her and started laughing. "Look at Shae-Shae!" It cried out. "She's got her big bum stuck in the fence! Ha ha ha! Big bum Shae-Shae's got stuck!"
Shae-Shae, at first panicked and scared, was now growing angrier by the second. She wriggled and struggled, and struggled and wriggled until with a loud crack! the fence broke and she leapt forward, catching her shadow with her claws.
What happened next was not pleasant. Shae-Shae devoured her shadow from the top of its head to the tip of its tail, angrily munching and crunching every last bite. As she swallowed the last bit of her shadow, she licked her lips smugly.
From that day on, Shae-Shae never cast a shadow, and she never worried about the size of her bottom either.
Wednesday 16 October 2013
Saturday 21 September 2013
Saturday 27 July 2013
The Gospel According To Saint Sheep, Part One.
Wednesday.
Grass for dinner again. I don't know about you, but I never get sick of grass. It's just so green and tasty and lush, especially when it's all dewy and moist first thing in the morning. To be honest though, this grass is a bit past it's 'eat by' date. Little patches have gone a bit brown and there's an odd smell about it.
On the other hand, saw an apple falling from a tree in the next field. This made me think about things, and I reasoned there must be some sort of grand unifying and invisible force that keeps us from floating off into space. I've decided to name this invisible force 'gravity' - for now at least, I'll try and come up with a better name for it later.
Thursday.
Strange things happening, at least the shepherd thinks so. There was a bright new star in the sky and he got all flustered about it. Don't know why, it was only a comet. Having observed it, I determined from the angle of approach, cross-referenced with the apparent velocity, magnitude and distance that it must be in some sort of orbital path, one that takes approximately 76 years to complete. Interesting, but I wouldn't have thought worthy of such a response as the shepherd gave, which was pretty much gibbering and crying out about prophecies and stuff like that. Silly superstitious shepherd.
Friday.
Shepherd, still mumbling about prophetic visions has moved us into the North field. What do you know? The grass really is greener on the other side!
On the other hand, I did have a little ruminate over this whole sun thing, and by my calculations it is highly unlikely that Earth is the centre of our solar system, let alone the galaxy or even universe. I'll do more thinking on this later, after some more lovely grass.
(To be continued...)
Grass for dinner again. I don't know about you, but I never get sick of grass. It's just so green and tasty and lush, especially when it's all dewy and moist first thing in the morning. To be honest though, this grass is a bit past it's 'eat by' date. Little patches have gone a bit brown and there's an odd smell about it.
On the other hand, saw an apple falling from a tree in the next field. This made me think about things, and I reasoned there must be some sort of grand unifying and invisible force that keeps us from floating off into space. I've decided to name this invisible force 'gravity' - for now at least, I'll try and come up with a better name for it later.
Thursday.
Strange things happening, at least the shepherd thinks so. There was a bright new star in the sky and he got all flustered about it. Don't know why, it was only a comet. Having observed it, I determined from the angle of approach, cross-referenced with the apparent velocity, magnitude and distance that it must be in some sort of orbital path, one that takes approximately 76 years to complete. Interesting, but I wouldn't have thought worthy of such a response as the shepherd gave, which was pretty much gibbering and crying out about prophecies and stuff like that. Silly superstitious shepherd.
Friday.
Shepherd, still mumbling about prophetic visions has moved us into the North field. What do you know? The grass really is greener on the other side!
On the other hand, I did have a little ruminate over this whole sun thing, and by my calculations it is highly unlikely that Earth is the centre of our solar system, let alone the galaxy or even universe. I'll do more thinking on this later, after some more lovely grass.
(To be continued...)
Friday 26 April 2013
Nine Tales Of Nine Tails. - Prologue to all cat-related stories on this site.
All cats have tales, even those who don't have tails.
When they meet, they compare tales, and they compare tails. And sometimes the tails have tales, and sometimes the tales have tales.
This is nine tales of nine tails.
When they meet, they compare tales, and they compare tails. And sometimes the tails have tales, and sometimes the tales have tales.
This is nine tales of nine tails.
The Yosher's Dream.
The Yosher was a cat who liked to sleep.
And when he slept, he had dreams.
One afternoon, as he slept, he dreamed he was a comet.
He dreamed he was a huge glowing comet with a long fiery tail, flying through space at incredible speeds.
Later that day, as day turned to dusk and dusk turned to night, he was sat upon the windowsill when he saw something amazing in the sky.
Up there, cutting across the dark was a shooting star, brilliant and bright with a long fiery tail.
And from that moment on, he was never quite sure if he was a cat that had once dreamed of being a comet,
Or if he was a comet that was still dreaming of being a cat.
And when he slept, he had dreams.
One afternoon, as he slept, he dreamed he was a comet.
He dreamed he was a huge glowing comet with a long fiery tail, flying through space at incredible speeds.
Later that day, as day turned to dusk and dusk turned to night, he was sat upon the windowsill when he saw something amazing in the sky.
Up there, cutting across the dark was a shooting star, brilliant and bright with a long fiery tail.
And from that moment on, he was never quite sure if he was a cat that had once dreamed of being a comet,
Or if he was a comet that was still dreaming of being a cat.
Thursday 25 April 2013
Nozzie Mojo And The Moon.
Nozzie Mojo was a mischievous cat, but very clever with it.
He would sleep all day, and scheme all night; for what he really wanted was to eat the moon.
Every evening, he would sit upon the windowsill, looking up at the moon and licking his lips.
One day, he approached Mother Crow, for he had a plan.
"Take me up to the moon," he pleaded, "I want to give it a goodnight kiss."
"No," said Mother Crow. "You are too young and will be sick at such a height."
Next he went to see Uncle Monkey. "Throw me in the air so I can touch the moon!"
"Certainly not!" Said Uncle Monkey. "You are too young and will be hurt if you fall too far."
Then he went to sleep and scheme a while longer, and when he woke, he went to see Grandfather Tree.
"Grandfather Tree!" He said. "I bet you can't grow so high you can touch the moon!"
"Insolent kitten!" Said Grandfather Tree. "I'll show you!" And he grew and he grew until his top branches could touch the moon.
No-one really knows what happened next, but when they look to see the moon, there's often a large chunk of it missing - as if someone had taken a bite out of it.
And Nozzie Mojo sits on his windowsill all the time, smiling and purring all day and glowing all night.
He would sleep all day, and scheme all night; for what he really wanted was to eat the moon.
Every evening, he would sit upon the windowsill, looking up at the moon and licking his lips.
One day, he approached Mother Crow, for he had a plan.
"Take me up to the moon," he pleaded, "I want to give it a goodnight kiss."
"No," said Mother Crow. "You are too young and will be sick at such a height."
Next he went to see Uncle Monkey. "Throw me in the air so I can touch the moon!"
"Certainly not!" Said Uncle Monkey. "You are too young and will be hurt if you fall too far."
Then he went to sleep and scheme a while longer, and when he woke, he went to see Grandfather Tree.
"Grandfather Tree!" He said. "I bet you can't grow so high you can touch the moon!"
"Insolent kitten!" Said Grandfather Tree. "I'll show you!" And he grew and he grew until his top branches could touch the moon.
No-one really knows what happened next, but when they look to see the moon, there's often a large chunk of it missing - as if someone had taken a bite out of it.
And Nozzie Mojo sits on his windowsill all the time, smiling and purring all day and glowing all night.
Wednesday 20 March 2013
Thursday 31 January 2013
The discovery of Marijuana. (Skit)
EXT: Outside, grassy hill in background. The occasional waft of smoke can be seen drifting past.
CAPTION: ROMANIA, 3000BC.
Two Iron-age VILLAGERS enter, from opposite sides.
FIRST VILLAGER (From right): Barry! Barry! A fire's broken out! The fields are burning!
BARRY (From left): Oh no! Which one Derek?
DEREK: Well, we hadn't got round to clearing it out yet, so there was loads of old weeds and all growing all over it. What are we going to do?
(Smoke wafts past. BARRY takes a deep breath in and exhales, his face taking on a strange expression.)
DEREK: Barry?
(BARRY takes another breath of the smoke.)
DEREK: Barry? What we going to do?
BARRY (Smiling): Fuck 'em. You hungry? I'm hungry all of a sudden.
CAPTION: ROMANIA, 3000BC.
Two Iron-age VILLAGERS enter, from opposite sides.
FIRST VILLAGER (From right): Barry! Barry! A fire's broken out! The fields are burning!
BARRY (From left): Oh no! Which one Derek?
DEREK: Well, we hadn't got round to clearing it out yet, so there was loads of old weeds and all growing all over it. What are we going to do?
(Smoke wafts past. BARRY takes a deep breath in and exhales, his face taking on a strange expression.)
DEREK: Barry?
(BARRY takes another breath of the smoke.)
DEREK: Barry? What we going to do?
BARRY (Smiling): Fuck 'em. You hungry? I'm hungry all of a sudden.
Thursday 3 January 2013
Adam Ant's Dinner Song.
As a confirmed Adam Ant fan and random odd-person, I wrote this in an idle moment. To the tune of 'Prince Charming'... enjoy.
Eat your dinner,
Eat your dinner,
Open your mouth and
shovel it inside you.
Eat your dinner,
Eat your dinner,
Open your mouth and
shovel it inside you.
Little peas,
Little peas,
Petits pois is nothing
to be scared of.
Eat your dinner,
Eat your dinner,
Open your mouth and
shovel it inside you.
Try some mustard,
Have some mustard,
It goes well with all
this boiled bacon.
Try some mustard,
Have some mustard,
It goes well with all
this boiled bacon.
Little peas,
Little peas,
Petits pois is nothing
to be scared of.
Try some mustard,
Have some mustard,
It goes well with all
this boiled bacon.
(Repeat ad nauseum)
[Please note - this is a parody of 'Prince Charming' by Adam and the Ants, all rights reserved by respective original owners]
The Day We Went To Wall Street.
A little song I wrote a couple of years ago, just after the Occupy Wall Street and Occupy LSE movments. I had planned on finding a topical news comedy program to send it to but had no luck. So, a year or two late I present it now without further comment.
(To the tune of Day Trip
To Bangor)
Didn't we have a
loverly time the day we went to Wall Street
We all took a tent, and
didn't pay rent,
And stuck it to the man
as well.
Plenty of cops made
plenty of stops and one of them brought a taser.
We shouted and screamed
and poor Freddie got creamed with a thousand volts.
And over in Greece, the
bloody police, they tried to stop the rioters.
Kebabs didn't work,
they all went beserk,
'cause someone forgot
the chilli sauce.
At London St. Paul's,
they had lots of balls, 'cause half the tents were empty,
The bishop said “sure,
you can camp on our door, 'cause I'm going home.”
The bankers they say
were playing all day with everybody's money.
They fiddled the shares
With privileged airs,
And pocketed nearly a
billion each.
One day it popped but
they couldn't stop,
Just like a tube of
Pringles.
They buggered us all
And we took the fall
for their obscene greed.
Germany knew they had
it bad too, and Greece was falling over.
The whole Eurozone was
crumbling alone,
And everyone looked in
old China's direction.
Far from the east, that
mystical beast,
It looked so calm and
prosperous,
We held out our hand
and they struck up a band and they sang 'Up yours!'
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